Maggie West

Why Bother?

I’m no saint.

I have caused my share of heartaches. And the winds of despair have blown my life to pieces a time or two as well. I’d like to think I’m the better for it. I’d like to think that reparations were made in how I have lived my life in the aftermath of these unfavorable behaviors: How I act now and my state of mind.  For I have become the product of these trials and tribulations.

Perhaps, certain topics are vexing due to this “ancient history” of mine. It is difficult to remain dispassionate with some subjects. Case in point: Cheating.

Cheating is a deliberate act. No one forces the hand of the perpetrator. It is cruel and harmful to oneself and others, unnecessary, and an intentional act.

Let me further convey my feelings in two parts: Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and marriage. With regard to cheating, both may seem similar, but they are not the same.

When dating, one may wish to take the relationship to another level; a pledge of love, or even an engagement. If the promise leads to the latter, this means two people plan to marry – right?

As a result, by taking this pledge – these marriage vows – a commitment is made.

Humbly, I insert a few reminders:

Commitment: The act of committing; a giving in charge, or entrusting. Something pledged: The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to some course of action.

Marriage: To enter into a close relationship; unite.

Unite, what a great word. What a great way of describing the frame of mind one should have as he/she stands before the altar of love. There is no mistaking its meaning.

Unite: To bring together so as to form a whole.

Hence, if one desires a life of promiscuity, why commit? If monogamy, as understood and practiced by both parties isn’t part of a serious relationship, why say, “yes” to:

“Do you want to just date each other?”

“Will you move in with me?”

“Will you marry me?”

Why not just say “no” or “I need a little more time?”

Surely, one knows that these questions contain an unspoken implication. In accepting these proposals one infers that:

You want to be with me – only me; no one else.

You must love me as much as I love you.

Assuredly, one does not expect the other’s thoughts to include:

Okay, for now.

I will, but only until something better comes along.

Fine, but I need more than one partner to satisfy me.

Building a life with another person is not easy. One is thrust into the arms of a co-inhabitant relationship with someone who has little knowledge of one’s idiosyncrasies, childhood scars, the wounds of past loves, and the countless supplementary quirks that exist. Indeed, it is very difficult.

So then, let us presume that one initially intended faithfulness and monogamy. But somewhere along the way, one’s attitude changed. What then? Does one slip away into the night in order to fulfill the desires of his or her changed heart? By day, does one deceive his/her significant other with bogus plans or meetings in order to spend time with a lover?

Why? Why bother? Why not approach these matters by being straightforward – before any deception occurs? Why not confront one’s mate long before it becomes an issue?

A hard lesson for us to learn is that in the long run, the truth is easier – less painful. If for no other reason than one can recall the truth without much difficulty: A lie is less easily remembered.

Yet still, illegal love affairs run rampant from one family to the next. There seems to be no end to the increasing number of divorces; this “storm” leaves a wake of broken hearts, split families, inconsolable misery, and lonely lives.

Keep in mind that even if one chooses to live in the shadows – ultimately, one’s companion will become aware of his or her deceptions. The waves of the storm mentioned in the previous paragraph begin to rock the boat. One may soon be blown out of the water and marooned on the island of despair – alone.

So why then, do so many of us attempt to deceive our other halves?

Loving someone – really loving someone – has its price. It takes work – hard work. Other costs come to mind: Sacrifice, giving, and selflessness. But a multiplicity of rewards awaits those of us who can endure such hardships.

In the past few years, I have discussed these ill-fated scenarios with both men and women.

I’ve heard stories that could curl one’s hair (Naturally, one’s hair has to be straight).

For instance:

Women who have slept with other men on their wedding nights, had a different affair every week – for months, and have had sex with their husbands’ best friends, bosses, or co-workers, for example.

Then there’s:

Men who have made bets on how many women they could sleep with the night of their bachelor parties. They have had sex while their wives were out on requested errands, or even while they lay sleeping in the next room.

In the presence of these men and women, I’ve heard remorse, a longing for forgiveness, of missed opportunity. All stared into the distance, sorrowful faces drawn and haggard from the despondency born of their acts.

Comparably, I have spoken with couples that have been successfully married for many years: Some celebrating silver anniversaries, others golden anniversaries, and those in between. After requesting “the key” to a successful marriage, many answered:

Through Respect

With Commitment

Communication

Showing Affection

Working together

With a loving gaze and taking hold of each other’s hand, they responded. Each expression was filled with contentment – a silent joy: As different as night and day from the previous examples.

So when I’m asked: “Why shouldn’t I be with him? My husband no longer makes me happy”; “She makes me feel good – is that wrong?”; “I have never known love like this before – that tells me it’s worth it – right?”; or “It’s only one time, what could it hurt?”; my answer must be:

If one is married, then yes, it is wrong. If one is married, then, at some point he or she took this vow:

“Do you, ___ take ___ to be your (wife/husband)? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her/him, forsaking all others and holding only unto her/him…”

Several may have taken this vow in a church. For those who have, there is this “little thing” called the Ten Commandments. Two are mentioned here:

“Thou shall not commit adultery.”

“Thou shall not covet thy neighbors wife.”

Marriage is a choice. One ostensibly made with love, affection, devotion, willingness, and delight.

However one attempts to justify one’s infidelity, it is still wrong.

Adding to the destruction of the relationship is the devastation imposed upon a husband or a wife.

If the affair is with a person who is married, other lives stand in the balance. What if he or she has children? Even more lives.

And for what?

A few moments of bliss? Another relationship, which will probably follow the same cycle?

Now I’ll ask, “Is it worth it?”

Can we not keep our pants up and our skirts down long enough to finish or fix what we started?

Commitment, dedication, and loyalty are all character traits: Traits that transcend relationships.

One of my dearest friends has lost trust in an employee because he cheats on his wife. Another acquaintance of mine shuns business with a salesman who frequently pays for “favors.” A previous business associate would never socialize at his colleague’s house because he couldn’t bear to look at his wife knowing the “free lifestyle” her husband lives.

One is defined by one’s actions. Our reputations are at stake. Do these mean so little?

Sadly, these days more and more of us openly speak of our deception, our pretenses. The “norm” seems to revolve around our justification of infidelity. There is no justification. It’s wrong.

I’ve seen the ramifications of these acts too many times in my life.

I have seen lives destroyed, children displaced, and immense sorrow – unfathomable anguish.

There are still such things as honor, merit, morals, and principles – plain, old-fashioned ethics. These are the elements of human nature I want in my life.

Despite all that has transpired in my life, despite my youthful frame of mind, I have come to realize what is dear to me, how I want to live my life, how I want to be remembered, and what kind of legacy I leave behind for my children.

Therefore, I’ll stick to my beliefs.

The Winds Of Yesteryear

I wish to conclude my designated "Infidelity Week," which I embarked on earlier this week, with this blog. Perhaps, my own idiosyncratic opinions will shed some light on the previous posts: "Who's Fooling Who" and "Marriages In The Shitter."

Perhaps not?

"And away we go," to coin a phrase.

The American frontier...

When one sees these words, what are the initial thoughts that enter one's mind?

Cowboys?

Indians?

Wilderness?

Six shooters?

Gunfights?
Hardships?
Desolation?

Or does one completely disregard the rich history that fills the annals of one's past? Perhaps, some people foolishly believe the poignant phrase, "The past is better left in the past."

As for me...

I was but a wee lass, sitting beside my father, watching black and white westerns in front of the idiot box, when I first became fascinated with the Old West's culture. I'm sure my father did not anticipate the level of gravity and overwhelming affect this period of our history would have on my young mind. During those tender years, however, my thoughts became fixated on attempting to recognize any and all veracities that existed in these tales. Moreover, I drove him crazy playing "Cowboys and Indians" in our backyard.

For me, films and/or stories that include this era -- even with today's interpretations (I'll explain this in a moment) -- are utterly captivating. I could literally expend hours mesmerized by the austerities illustrated in the somewhat historic plights -- as portrayed by modern-day films -- representing Annie Oakley, Wild Bill, Doc Holliday, Jesse James, or Wyatt Earp just to name a few.

As an adult, however, I began to identify the differences between fiction and nonfiction. I'm sure by now, everyone has heard the old saying: "One can't believe everything one reads." Well, nowadays what one reads, sees, and hears should all be taken with a grain of salt. There are numerous accounts that clearly state the actual events of our history, which to my chagrin are incessantly overlooked. The truths are available to anyone who simply has the initiative to diligently research pertinent sources on any particular period of interest.

Undeniably, an assortment of historically incorrect tales have been handed down from generation to generation: Perhaps, in order to further romanticize most eras, including the Wild West. By attempting to portray certain elements of our past in a larger-than-life-living-color sort of way, many authors and screenwriters have embellished a little -- er, better yet -- a lot. By flippantly rearranging or misinterpreting the past, the storytellers have omitted some of the crucial facts that makeup our history. In most cases, the words "truth is stranger than fiction" are appropriate. The authentic, unadulterated battle scenes, gunfights, and unfulfilled love stories are much more horrific than those seen on a big screen. The days of yore are filled with the tribulations of lovers, young and old, who have faced incredible odds; a hell of a lot more moving, perhaps, than those we've heard of or seen and passed on to us from Hollywood's finest.

Perchance, my readers are currently wondering, "Why the hell is she goin' on so about the frickin' past?"

I'll interject with, "Because I have a point to make, dammit. It's just takin' a lil' longer than anticipated."

Let's get on with it then...

A large amount of the enchantment I find within the chronicles of the Old West hail from the manner in which families interacted with one another. These kinfolk, whether large or small, old or young, lived a life full of love, respect, responsibility, and unity in their day-to-day struggles.

I picture myself working in the fields, next to the man I love, from dawn to dusk. Or, perhaps, living out in the wilderness awaiting his return from a day of hunting, trapping, and surveying. Oooooh, better yet, he's the town sheriff and I often saunter into town with a basket of goodies as an excuse to check on his welfare. Any of these situations would suit me just fine. In all probability, I was born at the wrong time. Thoughts of cooking on a wood burning stove or fireplace, drawing water from a well, plows pulled by the available livestock, and spending quiet moments under a humungous maple tree with a picnic basket are all dreams of mine. The danger and excitement mixed with the "normalcy" of cabin living, growing yer groceries, and gunfights have an air of mystery I still can't seem to shake; even after all this time. The aura of this era leaves me spellbound time and time again.

The men from this wondrous epoch loved with great passion and an undying permanence; a characteristic sorely lacking in today's society. The women fought by their side with such vigor and admiration; again, a trait rarely found in the women of today.

Occasionally, I ache for such a love, such a life.

Whether it's healthy or unhealthy, realistic or mere fantasy, right or wrong, I attempt to live my own life through the "eyes" of the past. I take that which appeals to me most, along with the simplest ideals and try to incorporate these into my present. Although, the Old West is a time and place long since scattered through the winds of yesteryear, it lives to some degree within me, today.

The closest I've ever come to a comparable existence is, here, in Green Hell.

This is merely part of the craziness Jeff has to put up with. There's plenty more.

Marriages In The Shitter

Where were you?

What took you so long?

Who were you with?

Unfortunately, once similar questions begin a conversation between two people in a relationship, all is not right in the world – the world of matrimony. The tone of voice employed is also indicative of the existence of a problem: A tone that sets one’s skin crawling, sends a shiver down one’s spine, or wrenches one’s guts inside out.

Each time I read or discuss a couple’s shortcomings in a relationship, I’m invariably amazed to discover that both are surprised that their love life is going down the shitter: Especially after a long history of mutual bombardment with questions and accusations, such as those previously mentioned, for months – even years. Rather than attempt to establish the root of such inquiries through communication and understanding, both parties would rather bicker them away, or ignore them completely.

Or could it be that we blind ourselves to so many truths when in love – or when one believes oneself in love?

Primarily, one hopes that circumstances may or could change; that the person one has chosen to be by one’s side – “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer,” as the saying goes – will change.

Bah, humbug! Sheer fantasy. I am not saying that people don’t change, mind you – they do. Time and experience has a way of doing that for us. There is, however, a fundamental core deeply embedded within each and every one of us. Somehow, somewhere, our efforts may be better served by searching for someone who mirrors the “character nuclei” within us.

Sounds easy enough, eh?

Well, hell no – it’s not.

Most of us end up falling in love (and I am using that word lightly) with the first person that treats us as we think we want to be treated. Remember, not everything we want is good for us. Think of it as candy. If one loves the taste of candy, which is fine – by the way – in moderation, but once we’ve crossed over the way-beyond-reasonable-frickin’-ton-of-candy-in-our-cupboard stage it becomes a terrible habit. The effects thereof often lead to obesity, rotten teeth, and myriad other health issues.

So now, let’s return to the “very first person” syndrome. He or she could be the exact flavor we’ve been searching for – on the surface. But day in and day out, year after year, one may find that being with such a person has bruised one’s spirit. Worse yet, one’s psychological well-being could become damaged. Does all this happen overnight? Of course not. Slowly (sometimes, excruciatingly slowly) but surely, an unhealthy relationship wreaks havoc emotionally and physically.

Is this why couples begin to cheat on one another? Is it that one feels the need to be “whole” again? Does one believe one will regain part of what one has lost? Or, do many of us simply need a little excitement in our lives?

What the hell is everyone thinking?

How can such emotions or wants justify violations of trust, deceit, or dishonesty? Why do we tell ourselves: “It’s okay,” because of what we’ve been put through? Come on. Wake up, people.

Life is too damn short.

Not only is eternal damnation a possible consequence of such actions (And if you don’t believe in a God, then we’ll take it to another level), but who wants to live such a life, even in this world?

Does one hold oneself in such low regard? Isn’t everyone entitled to his or her own little piece of happiness? Shouldn’t we all strive to live the best life we possibly can with whatever has been bestowed upon us?

If in one’s relationship…

…one has to start sneaking a peek at the “incoming” or “missed” calls on one’s partner’s cell phone – it’s time to talk.

…one has to start rummaging through his or her mate’s personal belongings – it’s time to talk.

…one has to question – even once – where one’s husband or wife has been, or what he or she has been doing – it’s definitely time to talk.

Communication is a wonderful thing. I’m damn close to proposing it’s the reason we were all given mouths: in order to talk – intelligently. Communication, however, has become both underrated and underused. The sooner a negative issue is addressed; the sooner one can consider a viable solution. The longer it takes to attend to a negative situation, the harder it becomes.

But is marital infidelity such a solution?

Somewhere along the way we have lost the good sense either to fix the problem or end it (Bear in mind, though, that in order to repair the damage, one must exert 100% of one’s effort). Attempts at mending a relationship could include, but are not limited to, discussing in detail the unhappiness or skepticism that has surfaced; seeking professional help; plus, remaining open and truthful with one another at all times. Thoughts of ending any relationship should include scrutinizing one’s inner self for the sorry state of affairs that has transpired rather than to first cast blame. Remedying the situation through separation or divorce should be a last resort – not the first consideration.

Everything worthwhile in life requires a lot of work – hard work.

Decide what you want…
Decide what you need…
Roll up your sleeves…
And get dirty.

Stop looking for the easy way out. Infidelity is simply a temporary fix for the marital blues.

The struggles couples face build the bond necessary to face a future – any future. Through turmoil, a couple can find peace. Taking the easy way out shows lack of character, lack of commitment.

Before taking the final steps to the altar, one should ask, “Why am I here?” If the answer bypasses or otherwise excludes the vows one has to make: “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part,” then one should have the backbone to turn around and walk away. If, on the other hand, the answer takes the aforesaid vows into consideration, then one should have the intelligence to realize it will take a great deal of hard work and perseverance to spend the rest of one’s life – day after day, year after year – beside another human being.

It’s that simple, or that difficult. How one chooses to perceive the journey is one’s own prerogative.

Who's Fooling Who

More often that not, I receive emails regarding infidelity.

“He’d doing [this]…”
“She’s doing [that]…”

“What do I do?”

During the past three years, I have spent countless hours interviewing men and women on the matter of relationships, tallying the conversations that referenced unfaithfulness, betrayal, and treachery. By my calculations, they approach well above the fifty percent mark. As unlikely as this may sound, infidelity has seeped its way into the very fabric most of us have woven into what we consider meaningful lives.

Before taking the subject any farther, I am compelled to inform my readers that 100% percent of the following piece is opinion – my opinion. Feel free, at any time, to turn off your computers or visit other sites.

Having said that:

A “meaningful” life? A life that represents…meaning, significance, or a sense as in vision is the definition of the word “meaningful” to which I refer. For those of us who hold such hopes, such dreams, and such visions, is a life of deceit and infidelity conducive to fulfilling these desires?

I don’t think so.

Furthermore…

It perplexes me even further to read of men or women being subjected to the repugnant conduct of another; especially when that person happens to hold the trust of the man or woman in question.

Thus begins my rant of the day.

I am no stranger to the indiscretions of sexual deviants. It is when I begin to hear an excessive number of complaints from couples that participate in “abnormal” sexual behavior, where one-half of this lovelorn partnership is less than willing.

How astute of the reader to notice my use of the word “lovelorn.” In all certainty, love is not what one feels when forcing his or her chosen partner in life – a husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend – into an uncomfortable situation. For the record – any uncomfortable situation – not just those of the sexual nature.

A healthy relationship is one in which both participants can act and communicate freely, be themselves without reservation, and without a sense of inferiority. The keyword in the previous sentence is “both.” As these aspects of a relationship break down, so does the relationship. Misusing one’s trust and affections lights the fuse that will ultimately destroy the union.

On the other hand, most of us being taken for granted will allow our partner’s behavioral patterns to take hold.

We continually find ourselves in relationships that put a strain on our intrinsic moral structure. Yet, we believe time or circumstance will change the views or actions of our partner. Regretfully, some of us tell ourselves, “If I just do this one thing…if I just go along with it this one time…he/she will notice or feel my apprehension and change their mind.” To take it even further, we arguably commit an uncomfortable act because we love them, we don’t want to lose them, or we don’t want the relationship to end. We attempt to fool ourselves and in the process lose who we are and what we stand for little by little.

Let us take a look at morality for a moment. It is defined as “the quality of being moral.” Hence, the definition of the word moral, as given to us by The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (from the 1970’s), goes like this:

Of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and character; pertaining to the discernment of good and evil. Designed to teach goodness or correctness of character and behavior; instructive of what is good and bad. Being or acting in accordance with standards and precepts of goodness or with established codes of behavior, especially with regard to sexual conduct.

In stating this definition, my hope is that the few who read this piece understand how far we have strayed from morality.

When one sees the myriad of websites depicting any and all abhorrent forms of sexual behaviors, one begins to wonder if morality and ethics – ethics being the social application of an individual’s moral code — still exists. This is not, however, the only venue for such conduct. It can be seen on television during news reports, among the mindless-couch-potato-brain-sucking phenomena called soap operas, and prime time entertainment. It can be heard on the radio or found in print. The number of songs written and stories published on these matters are devastating. Sadly, the juicier these tales of immorality become, and the more attention-grabbing-lewd behavior that is mentioned, the more interest is generated within the masses. What a sorry state of affairs.

There are sexual fetishes that include – but are not limited to – men or women having sex with minors, married men or women sexually engaged outside the marriage, bestiality, couples exchanging partners, and the list goes on.

To be sure, this is nothing new. Such acts have taken place for centuries, even longer. The difference is, realizing the immorality of such acts, the populace kept it behind closed doors. Primarily, due to the fact that admitting such actions could have had the brazen individual facing the barrels of a shotgun, hanging from a homemade noose, or better yet, underneath the blade of a quillotine. Therefore, one’s private life remained, uh, private.

My beliefs adamantly include the fact that the publicized nature of “the beast” sets the stage for more monsters to emerge. And they have. So much so, that hardly a day goes by anymore without some sort of sexually deviant behavior being mentioned.

If a question makes its way to my mailbox on whether or not one should sleep with their husband’s best friend, if one should swap husband’s for the weekend, or what my thoughts are regarding the infidelity of one’s partner, the answer should be perfectly clear by this point.

For those who require a wee bit more…

I have been informed by many – numerous, countless – men that when and if a man wishes to see his wife in bed with another human being, he no longer respects, admires, or adores her. Think about it. Would my readers revere, hold in high regard, or worship the ground one’s life-partner stood on if he or she were having sex with someone else. Would one strive for and work side by side to build a better life with such a person.

So, my dear readers, this is going to be slated “Infidelity Week.” For five days I will post my opinions regarding this matter using the emails I have received.

Don’t get yer panties in a bunch.

There’s always the option of leaving a comment. One should know by now, how I love a good squabble.

Until tomorrow then…