"DEAR ABBY: I was widowed three years ago at age 40. A previous decade-long marriage ended in an amicable divorce. Since my husband's death, I have been engaged twice but have broken off both relationships for sound reasons. My most recent engagement was to a man who turned out not only to be manipulative and controlling, but also had an undisclosed mental illness.
Is it normal not to want another relationship? I'm enjoying the time and freedom to pursue my hobbies and friendships. Most men my age seem to have more emotional or financial baggage than I want to take on. Am I on the rebound, in denial, or just self-fulfilled?
LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE
DEAR LOVING: You do not appear to be either on the rebound or in denial. You appear to be grateful for the good things in your life and in no hurry to encumber yourself. Those are attractive traits, and one of these days you will meet someone who recognizes it."
Now, it's my turn.
Before I start, let me just say that I have read this "little gem" to six other people (so far); without reading the "New" Dear Abby's answer. What stands out for each of us, in the query as a whole, is the inherent irony of the nom de plum: Loving The Single Life. What single life?
Prefacing the question, this woman admits to having two engagements, since her husband's death, that ended "for sound reasons." She then mentions her most recent engagement: Is that the third? In three years?
So, again, I ask: What "single life"?
Engagement: That which implies commitment, devotion, and loyalty. Not "single." Dating may, to some extent, imply single – single and searching, curious, interested. Any or all, pick one. But engagement refers to a commitment. My experience in this matter leads me to believe that if one commits that often, he or she is troubled by being alone and seeks out one partner after another: Bouncing the ball.
In the many conversations I have had with men and women who have revealed similar behavioral patterns, most have ultimately disclosed this "alone syndrome" as the culprit in the many relationship miscalculations and/or poor judgments made.
In these cases, the need to be with someone – all the time – is great.
This pattern, these repeated cycles of commitment to various individuals, without leaving ourselves any breathing room, is a sign that we find it difficult to break free – to be alone.
We must do a little personal "soul-searching" to determine why; or even how to break these cycles.
Continuing with the content of the piece written last weekend…
Let us now discuss another perplexing matter.
This woman admits to ending two engagements for "sound reasons," and another for an "undisclosed mental illness." First, consider this: This very paragraph led me to believe that her three engagements occurred in the three years following her second husband's death. Second, the vagueness, the generality, to me, demonstrates that these "reasons" were, in all likelihood, behavioral quirks rather than mental illnesses.
Think about it.
In how many discussions with friends, or relatives, have we heard what's wrong with their relationships, or reasons for their breaking ups, without getting an earful of particulars? None? We usually hear all the gory details. Do we not?
There are many times that I often speculate our reason for airing these troubles is to shift the blame onto our counterparts. We want ourselves to emerge as the "better" half in our relationship dilemmas or breakups. So, we "let loose" with a barrage of the sordid details and adverse circumstances of our affairs.
We might also intend to cover-up our own blunders; our own deceit; our own dishonesty.
Now take these conditions and suppose we write to a newspaper, or magazine, about our relationship quandary – anonymously: No real names are used; no one will ever know who wrote it. Wouldn't we become extremely detail oriented? Almost certainly.
Yet here, of all places, the exact reasons are omitted.
Admittedly, the newspaper might have opted to exclude this – and other – information. This has crossed my mind. But, this comes from my "never believe everything you read (or see on television, for that matter)" mentality. Usually, the truth lies somewhere in the middle, and is rarely spoken (or written) by either party: "Every story has thirteen sides," as a journalist friend of mine often says.
Lies on one side of an issue; lies from the opposing point of view; one must sift through the dirt to find the gem: The truth.
But I'm digressing…a little.
Let us move forward with the behavioral quirks vs. mental illnesses clause I mentioned earlier.
Anxiety is a mental illness. There are certain levels of depression and stress disorders that are categorized as mental illnesses as well. These are described as neuroses.
A better explanation in given on www.minddisorders.com:
"Neurosis is a term generally used to describe a non psychotic mental illness, which triggers feelings of distress and anxiety…"
How many of us know people who suffer from such angst, distress, or depression? How many of us are classified with one, or two, of them ourselves?
Yet, we are still able to function. We are still able to live, and love. Are we not?
My question, then, is: What sort of mental illness did this man have?
Instead, perhaps, this woman may have become largely dismayed by this man's behavioral quirks. Anger, clinginess, distrust, infidelity, jealousy, and obsessions, among others, fall into this category. Possibly, it was the recognition of other traits: Slobbishness (My word: Rhymes with snobbishness, which can also be mentioned.); laziness. Perhaps he's headstrong, weak, or the "couch potato" type.
At this time, I must reintroduce the concept of dating.
It is, for the lack of a better description, when two people experiment having a relationship with one another. Each one attempts to establish whether or not the other possesses the characteristics and traits required for the "long haul:" A lifetime of discovery. If this is not the case, rounding up a few more dating candidates may be in order. Trial and error, folks: Trial and error is the name of the game.
One keeps the "contract" in escrow for a time, as it were. This is the purpose of dating.
Have we forgotten the significance behind being engaged? Have we lost the meaning of commitment?
When committing to one another, we are essentially saying we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone. We'll take him or her with all of his or her assets, faults, and weaknesses. If we are unsure about, or question, this obligation, we should by no means become engaged.
Hence, as I see it, this woman is, indeed, in some sort of denial or rebound. And, most definitely, she has not given herself enough alone time to figure what she really needs, or wants. I am, however, not a psychologist. I am merely someone who has researched relationship problems for six years. So, this advice stems from my years of hearing similar issues.
This woman may want to seek a professional opinion – it couldn't hurt.
