Maggie West

ATTENTION - Part 4

Here’s the final topic covered in “Attention” out of the book.

Observing is a major component of attention. Through its practice we could gain the knowledge necessary for understanding how to react during some of the situations involving our spouse or companion. It can aid us in realizing exactly how they would like to be treated if certain circumstances arise or begin to show us what should be said, not be said, and how to say it. Becoming aware of what an individual’s characteristics entail and their preferences will allow you to gather the information necessary to satisfy them attention wise. Observation is the key. Taking notice of certain reactions or habits may permit you to react correctly during inherent behavioral patterns. It’s never a matter of right or wrong, just a way to arrange subsequent situations through a better perspective.

You must note, however, that observing means to watch without any active participation.  Watching people is fairly similar to examining a sunrise or a sunset. Nearly all of them can be beautiful, but they are never the same from one day to the next. The sky can also be rough and gloomy looking at times. The last thing you probably want to do is watch during bad weather, but learning from it is just as advantageous as watching a beautiful, multihued one.

Try to remember, that it is essential to notice any distinct differences in your mate. This allows you to understand mood swings or anger, as well as their happiness or delight. You may not be able to join in or alleviate them on a regular basis, but foresight is the major issue here. You need the capability to better recognize why certain emotions surface and how to be included or assist in improving them at some point in the relationship.

Your mate need not always be aware of the observation; it should be the attention you exhibit that they recognize. Even strangers will warm up to you more rapidly through some personalized surveillance tactics. When you first encounter someone any action is better than none. The idea here is to be noticed for your keen sense of intuition.

Again, during the observation phase, you cannot participate in any way. You just want to notice things, little things if necessary. Things other people might not. Generally, this will display some intensive thought and consideration into the relationship on your part.

Everyone benefits from feeling wanted, needed, and loved. These emotions are a big part of the essence in our lives and a healthy part of who we are. Through attention we can learn more on how to strengthen these emotions and the reactions that emanate from them. Successful relationships contain many of the factors mentioned involving “attention” if not all of them. Through common courtesies, a little consideration, some gallantry and a lot of observation you may reap the benefits of a long and prosperous relationship.

ATTENTION - Part 3

There are a couple more ingredients that need to be added to this recipe of paying “Attention” that have not been mentioned yet. One of those is gallantry.  We hear examples of this from yarns of yesteryear, or cited in historical accounts, and movies depicting this “days-gone-by” era. With this word, come visions of men setting their coats over puddles for women to saunter over or a man bowing gracefully to kiss a woman’s hand. Rarely today is this part of attention practiced. In this day and age, men do not always grasp its concept. They may lose its meaning in translation, maybe, or fail to recognize gallant acts of our time. Within this chapter of the book there are many instances shown of this act and how to successfully put them to use. Not just in the beginning of a relationship, but throughout its duration.

There are no specific patterns that were noticed or any erudite guidelines to follow: Just generalizations remembered from nurturing as children or young adults. The majority of the men who successfully practice gallantry insist it stems from upbringing. Once all the key topics are implanted, it becomes easier to recognize, as women become an integral part of a young man’s life. They become aware, at this point, as to what needs to transpire in order for all the facets of attention to be accomplished, including good manners.

You also get a glimpse of it through the eyes of many individuals who are currently in “older women, younger men” relationships and those closer in age as well. There is a remarkable difference.

There are no percentages or figures that shed light on how many in each type of relationship practice this behavior. It does, however, exist more and lasts longer where the woman is substantially older. It seems to only occur in those that are closer in age early on in the relationships, if at all. Then shows a definite drop after about a year and leads to a nonexistent stage somewhere in the years that follow.

Nearly all the couples closer in age expressed dismay over their counterpart’s inability to exhibit some gallantry. The opposite was true for those farther apart in age, even where the man is considerably older.

As I continued the questioning, it was evident that finding couples who exert effort into making each other happy, but most of all, keeping each other that way is a rarity. For many reasons, it appears to work more often within relationships where individuals are farther apart in age. The motivations for this are covered within the pages of the book. For now, I’ll just state that these reasons do not account for 100% of the population. There are always exceptions to any given situation especially the ones covered in Always Smiling. However, the impression is given that they hold true for the majority.

ATTENTION - Part 2

Today’s lessons (this word used with a slight grin on my face) boys and girls come from the personal opinions and collected bits and pieces of data from the chapter in my book entitled Attention. You may opt to use any or all of it, ignore the entire content, or laugh hysterically if the urge arises; but most all, humor me with the pretense of taking some interest.

Part of paying that special someone attention is displaying courtesies. Being courteous is basically being polite; Well-mannered gestures or remarks and indulging someone all fit into this category.  Plus, a willingness to provide something needed or being generous by providing what’s needed is also considered a courtesy. These are two totally different features of the same thing. One is an act the other is a thought, both with good intentions. Mutually conveying the same response as long as your partner understands the positive intent of either one.

After bringing up this topic, most couples mainly gave examples of how not to behave. Very few have actually experienced any courtesy from their partners, others sporadically received a little, particularly if the relationships had lasted a number of years. They all agreed that many of the common causes of bad manners towards one another are trivial disagreements and/or disappointments.

A frequent example given was going out to eat. Couples argue over where to go, what to eat, or even when to go. Instead of being polite with one another, they act childish, juvenile, immature (Yes! I know they all mean the same thing. It’s a matter of emphasis). When asked by your spouse or mate where you would like to go, silence or a blank look are not answers! Even worse, however, is when you’re the one asking the question and you decline the first two or three suggestions. Maybe you should have never asked in the first place! Stating the obvious might be more to your advantage; if you want to select the place, select the place – don’t ask! Some alternate proposals might be to say, “honey, how about I take you to [this place] for dinner”, or “honey, I feel like eating [this] tonight, will you take me?” Another idea is to schedule certain nights out ahead of time: Discussing where you’re both going to go, what day of the week is best, what the two of you like to eat, etc. with eagerness and some interest. Why do we always have to create disagreements from debauched questioning? When making suggestions with good intentions gets us so much further, allowing the opportunity to be courteous with one another in as part of the situation?

Just as significant is the act of being considerate. In other words, thinking of the other person’s feelings or position during what you say or do. A simple example would be: you don’t want to eat the last brownie in the cupboard, or the last piece of pie in the refrigerator without attempting to share or first asking if anyone else is interested. A more serious illustration is deciding to spend some of your co-earnings on anything substantial without informing your partner (believe me this happens more than not!). Causing a financial burden unnecessarily can create a lot of undue stress and tension within your relationship.

Mentally note the hard day your partner has had, whether they spend their days at home or elsewhere makes no difference. Through awareness your evenings can become a time of enjoyment filled with some satisfaction rather than the contrary. At a time where you’re both tired and drained one little snide or sarcastic remark could ruin the whole night. Where as one little kiss or loving phrase could spin the table and reap you numerous rewards.

So many of us take the little things for granted. We falsely assume that “tomorrow is another day”, that the sun will rise again to brighten the darkness we created the night before. I have learned that these are foolish thoughts from most of those interviewed, vain thoughts. Of course all relationships snag from time to time, even for the couples mentioned in the text.

However, making your partner feel loved, wanted, needed or special on some constant level could be the key to your universe.  Maybe the one thing we should all try to live by, on a daily basis, is to forget there is a tomorrow.  Forget the past and all it’s regrets.  Live for the moment, the hour, the day we are in. Think about it!  If you knew tomorrow would never come, what would you do with today?

ATTENTION - Part 1

“If I have made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention, than to any other talent” ~Isaac Newton (1642-1727)

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition defines the word “attention” as follows:

Concentration of the mental powers upon an object; a close or careful observing or listening.

The ability or power to concentrate mentally.Observant consideration; notice.

Consideration or courtesy; attention to others feelings.

ATTENTIONS: Acts of courtesy, consideration, or gallantry, especially by a suitor.

This chapter in my book covers the three items mentioned in the fifth definition plus “observing” from the first. I will blog it for you in sections as I did the last one and as always your comments and messages are very welcome.

Each and very one of us needs, wants and yearns for attention from others; particularly the ones we love.  It is one of the major reasons why most of us start to care for another person in the first place. This original concern can turn into love and affection at any given moment towards any given person.

We are all more willing to reciprocate the wonderful ways an individual makes us feel. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true! The hostility in us will rear it's ugly head if our partners display the same mannerisms. However, two people may find a unique bond through the dating stage turning the initial caring into something more permanent, more special. Where most of us fall short is realizing that how the relationship develops, largely depends on the two partners. The way couples feel about each other today is not necessarily going to linger through the next ten or twenty years. A joint effort must be employed to keep the affections intact for a number of years. If attentions begin to wane or turn away to different matters (or what you feel may be more important matters) relationships bear the consequences. Once they diminish substantially, each one of us, may ultimately search for the needed attention elsewhere. Causing a break, of sorts, in our intimacies. This doesn’t necessarily happen through or with another individual. We may tend to drown ourselves in work, a hobby or any other extra supplementary excursions. The need for attention is immense and may only exist in our subconscious at first. Later, we will to demand it from our partner or seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Women who are, or have been, associated with younger men, when spoken to, admit a fulfillment is reached just from the attentions paid to them by their partners; attentions that were lacking in previous relationships. They reveal that men closer to their own age tire more easily and very soon in the interest department. Being ignored was the number one reason given for their interests drifting to other areas. Whereas, younger men, given the same implications, display it in return more frequently and continue to do so!

Couples do not give and take equally. There is no such thing. One partner is always better at it than another. Unequal efforts are not what successful couples dwell on.  As long as certain attentions are returned in some manner and with some frequency, they recognize the love shared and the significant role their partner plays in their life. It is important to note again, that at least one individual in these successful unions excels at furnishing attention. He or She is always willing to go that extra mile more often than not, regardless of the situation. This person’s talents usually include the gift of patience and can weather most disagreements with just a little more love and compassion.

LONELINESS - Part 3

Grasping the knowledge of the bigger picture is indispensable during these phases of depression and rejection. Realizing that happiness is interdependent with misery and despair. We would never know the true sentiment of good without the bad or evil; of success without failure; of love without hate.

In our struggle of following the breadcrumbs left down our path through life, love has it’s own precious space. It can facilitate our endeavors on this journey. On the other hand, if we allow it to devour us to the point of self-destruction – it can, it will and it has! Just as with everything else that crosses our path, a proper point of view is essential. We can gain unprecedented knowledge from it: learning to apply the sorrow and emptiness positively rather than permitting it to consume us negatively. After such prevalence we all could become excessively enhanced people once the waves of despondency subside.

The final stage mentioned in Obsession was the “resolution stage”.  It is defined as the point where individuals are able to gain a little constructive perception and begin to integrate the experience into daily life. “The anger, the rage, the fear might still be there, but they can, with time, diminish in intensity, and emotional energy can now be directed toward other activities and other people.”

Again, the parallel between this stage in Obsession and the one during the recovery process of a disintegrated marriage or affair is uncanny. The same characterizations can be applied. In order to demonstrate this unusual similarity, observations of this stage regarding mutilated relationships were compiled by hundreds of individuals for my book. There are two common threads weaved into the very fabric of these epic tales. Not apparent unless you combine them with the countless others gathered in notes and tapes bringing the essence of this chapter to life. Discovering them only by chance after reviewing story after story; from older men with younger women, from the couples closer in age which make up the vast majority of our population, and/or the couples that encompass the subject matter. Feeling a bit like Benjamin Franklin discovering electricity, it struck me as a bolt of lightning might when it crashes through the darkness.

The first fascinating verity surfaces during the accounts of many others reminiscing on their past love affairs and their ultimate failure. Older women who have had younger men as a partner become engrossed with the details of it all; recalling their passions, delights, excitement and a love beyond measure with such vigor it would make anyone stop and take notice. Subsequently, it turns to the sheer agony, pain, loneliness, depression and confinement caused by the loss of this love. Younger men also, who have been with older women evoke similar stories with the same extreme phrases depicting life with this love and without it. The acute comparisons of elation and then deep, emotionally scarred lives are evident through their spoken words and facial expressions. They are describing black and white, birth and death, nothing in between, the best days and the worst days of their lives! For lack of a better word, this differs greatly from “normal” relationships. Most couples in these groupings will depict days, weeks, or years of commonplace events and feelings.

Second, it is only when the woman is substantially older that the phases exhibit an overwhelming intensity and an enduring quality for both partners, not normally felt by an “average” relationship. The interviews I conducted with couples closer in age, or where the man was much older than the woman, did not display the same harsh reality experienced by the aforementioned ones. Listening to their narratives leaves no real sense of the equivalent in their expressions of love, devotion, agony, and tragedy. For certain the same phases do occur in all. But their intensity and their memories to some extent are diversified. Surely, they are similar. Again, the stages are all still there. However, the abovementioned type of relationship exhibited an amazing bond of rapture that they had not known before, and for some, not since. This led to intensifying the stages of disunion for them: prolonging each stage during recuperation; sometimes, through several years of recovery.

It is my belief that through our bouts with loneliness, no matter how painful they may seem, we discover not only a truer self, but also a truer way of living. We may begin to discard bits and pieces of ourselves or certain aspects of the way we previously lived. Our daily routines may change. Certain attributes are replaced. Is this the right thing to do, the correct way to act? There is never a right or a wrong. There is insight, understanding, knowledge and healing; should we choose to accept them. Experiencing them all, allowing them to change our outlook and giving us an unassuming nature in love and past history can be very valuable. Following these supple signs of life can lead us to the realism of trying time and time again without too many reservations.

LONELINESS - Part 2

The next stage mentioned within the pages of Obsession is the "recoil stage".  Pointing out that this stage is associated with anger, severe depression, resentment and even denial.  Obsession details it by stating, "Great mood swings are likely and can be triggered by small and insignificant stressors.  There may be uncontrollable crying, feelings of rejection and loss of identity or self-respect.  The victim [or rejected person] can experience insomnia or nightmares, or a cycling between the two.  [He or] she may go back and forth between blaming others and blaming [themselves] for what has happened….and this is the time when the big question of 'Why?' is likely to keep intruding into a corner of every waking moment."

Does this sound familiar to you?  How many times has a relationship failed and found you floundering around for the answers? Anger sets in. You might start blaming yourself, the other person, or a certain situation. Feeling out of place anywhere but home. Sinking deeper into a depressive state. You can't eat; you can't sleep, it becomes hard to focus on anything other than why this has happened to you.

Crying at the drop of a hat is not uncommon during this period. Neglecting your chores, work, friends, all become part of the disorientation that now encompasses every day life. Solitude and longing seem to be the only things that soothe your mind, body, and soul. Some believe that a person has to die in order to be reborn. For all intent purposes, this is the death, the darkness into which we all sink with no struggling for survival or freedom. We all let it wash over us gladly accepting it as a twisted reward for our bravery.

This chapter in the book gives numerous accounts of others in this phase. All of their stories have a way of reassuring us that we are definitely not alone in anything we may think, do, or say at this point in the healing process.

LONELINESS

    The book I have written contains relationships between younger men and older women. The following is an excerpt from the chapter on loneliness in my book. It will post it in three parts.

     Just as relationships conform to cycles or stages of elation, the same is true of loneliness with the exception that it encompasses despair. In the early stages of our separations from love, most of us tend to accept advances from another person much too soon. Bringing them, unknowingly at times, into a maze of emotional and physical anguish unnecessarily. This is where the phrase "catching someone on the rebound" comes from. Occasionally a relationship formed during this period will outlast the phases of recuperation, but it is more likely that it will end and end faultily.

     Trying to arrive at an avenue that would make an impact regarding the fate of people in this position, I ran across an unusual correlation. The unlikely connection between these two separate subject matters is astounding.

     In a book entitled Obsession, written by John Douglas and Mark Olshaker, there is a description of several psychological stages following victimization.  Neither seeking to demean the tragic devastation that these victims live through, nor the struggles they must face while attempting to cope with the vehement reflections that will mar their days henceforth; I can't help but see the similarity within this work of literature and losing a loved one due to a failed relationship.

     Multifarious actions and emotions begin the wheels turning towards the ultimate demise of a love affair: mistrust, jealousy, unfaithfulness, another's attentions, numerous disagreements regarding children, work, finances, a loss of interest, and the list goes on. As your companion packs up their things and walks out of your life, the hurt, anger, humiliation and sorrow that ensues starts you on a journey of mental and physical anguish that precedes the phases of healing. They are eerily similar to those depicted in chapter eight of Obsession.  Nowhere else have I seen such a correlation.  Not in any self help books, not even in any psychologist's writings, or in any tome what so ever.

     The stages referred to by Douglas and Olshaker start with the "impact stage" described as the shock, acute, or immediate stage.  They go on to explain, "This can last for hours, days, or even weeks, during which the victim [or the rejected person from a lost relationship for my purposes] is still reeling from the event, feeling numb or paralyzed, unable to make decisions.  He or she will be extremely lonely[1], helpless, or in despair.  Coping with anything challenging may seem all but impossible.  Some people manifest this stage by feelings of withdrawal or detachment.  Others may refuse to believe what has happened."

     I have found that it is within this stage of breaking the link between two people, most attach themselves to another individual just to relieve the immutable loneliness they are experiencing. This is no different for women who seek the companionship of younger men or men who seek the equivalent from older women. If anything, this stage is intensified through their choice of companions. They attempt to describe what they've lost as a rush of waves crashing over them, filling all the crevices unseen to the naked eye. This is sensed on more of a daily basis with this type of union. In comparison, one made up of individuals closer in age or where the man is older may find these occurrences dissipate after a certain length of time and become infrequent at best. Those who have experienced these waves of love regularly, having been constantly touched, loved, kissed and held with such fervor that the pain of losing it is also intensified. Their wants to feel needed, desirable, excited and cherished are arcane. This makes living without their partner immeasurable and the loneliness unfathomable.

[1] underlined for the purposes of this chapter, not in the original text