When is it Love ~ Part One

"Tell me the truth," I heard an acquaintance say.

Experience, however, taught me that rarely does anyone want the truth. Instead, they search for someone who will substantiate their truths; their beliefs, and that rarely happens when I'm on the answering end these days.

I've become rather blunt in my old age. More often than not, through the years, when people weren't sincere with respect to the advice given me; the outcome of my relationship quandary was rather dismal at best. Therefore, I don't sugar coat anything. As a result, I often find myself in front of seething individuals who didn't like what they heard -- what I said. "So much for being frank," one might say. On the contrary, I'm rather pleased with the person I see in the mirror today.

With that in mind, my response to the question asked "When will I know that it's really love?" will involve several installments. The first of which is the following…

Before I give my answer, a wonderful piece of literature entitled "Positive Living and Health," by Mark Bricklin, Mark Golin, Deborah Grandinetti, and Alexis Lieberman, merits a mention. It is a veritable treasure trove of ideas on how to empower one's constructive and encouraging thoughts and actions. Its pages are a cornucopia of information regarding the philosophy on positive living. A Love Triangle Made for Two, one of its chapters, includes a theory developed by Dr. Robert J. Sternberg. His "claim to fame" is being the professor of psychology and education at Yale University. Within this chapter, he "not only offers a way to constructively examine relationships," as the book notes, "[he] actually gives love a shape."

Dr. Sternberg suggests that you "picture love as a triangle" with three sides: Intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy represents "support, communication, warmth, and sharing." Passion is "a motivational force that leads to arousal, physical excitement, and the desire to be united with the loved one." Commitment is "where a decision to love another person and maintain that love is made."

These three sides vary in length (dominance) as a relationship progresses. This means that one may outweigh the rest, or may diminish over time. Though the shape of everyone's triangle may differ, one thing is rather clear: In the beginning stages of this emotional bond we call love; passion seems to rule the roost. And it crows the loudest for quite some time.

How long this stage lasts is different from relationship to relationship. Soon, if we're lucky, the triangle begins to even out and all three sides represent a perfect harmony of sorts. But as we all know, relationships are far from perfect. Therefore, plan on it being isosceles or obtuse in shape.

Due in part to Dr. Sternberg's research, I reached a few conclusions of my own. One of them is that love, real love, unequivocally waits for the commitment side of our triangles to strengthen (increase in size). Without the decision to love our partners no matter who they are and what they do, and maintain this love (work at it) for years to come, how can any of us use the word "love" to describe how we feel? Before we make the conscious decision to stick with it under any circumstances, isn't what we feel simply lust, covetousness, or infatuation?

Love and commitment go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. You cannot have one without the other.

Shall we draw our triangles then? Don't be surprised if two people who claim to be in love have varying triangles. It happens way too often. The real truth begins, in my humble opinion, when we communicate these variances to one another.

Then, dear reader, you "tell me the truth."

NOTE: Respond in the comment section below this article or e-mail Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

For more on Dr. Sternberg's theory visit Kristine Keller, M.A. who writes for Psychology Today. Her article entitled "Crazy in Love: When is it More Than Heartache?" is a must read.

Comments

[Kenny Schaefer]

Good stuff here. Love and commitment go hand-in-hand. Couldn't have said it better.

How many parts in the series? I'm looking forward to the rest.

Kenny

[Maggie Bean]

Thank you for the kind words, Kenny. As with all my projects, I have no idea where it will lead and how many points I will make. But I will post one a week until its completion. Hopefully, I'll have the pleasure of "discussing" each one with you. ~Maggie

[Ashley Long]

I haven't experienced love yet. At least I don't think I have. Infatuation and crushes sure, but everything from afar. No boyfriends. But learning about love from my folks, I can totally agree with the things you said in this blog, and I hope I find it one day.

[Maggie Bean]

Your folks must be very wise, Ashley, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned them so readily. You are a very lucky person. Thanks for leaving your comment.

[Ashley Long]

Aw thanks, I appreciate hearing that. I certainly am lucky.

[Marie]

Is it love when the mere sight of seeing the person you believe you are in love with, with another person literally destroys you inside?

[Maggie Bean]

Marie, first let me say that I have been where you are now, and so have many others. But what you speak of is not love -- not the shared love mentioned. It is an equally given and received love. One that takes many years to build. Your "someone" is out there, I know it. Keep in touch.