Maggie West

Sex and Love ~ Part One

Are sex and love two human frailties that cannot be mastered or conquered? I believe the answer is "yes." If we convince ourselves otherwise, we may find our lives full of nothing but disenchantment and frustration.

Long before Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet, people confronted the humanness of carnal and romantic attraction. Both are as old as the species itself.

Couples may think they have unique situations; but the truth is that someone, somewhere, had/has/will have comparable and even worse quandaries and shortcomings when their lives involve the mysteries of love and sex. Hell, there's also better and best. Don't forget those.

I couldn't help but wonder, however -- when I received the following comment from a young man who'd read my last relationship post -- if we heed too much of the incorrect and immoral information and not enough of the proper instruction on both: "I read [your] three articles. They seem basically sound, however, one thing stuck in my mind regarding context. The commercialization of Sex and Love has made it a hall of ugly mirrors that we have to get through somehow."

I enjoyed the phrase "a hall of ugly mirrors" so much; it compelled me to begin another series entitled Sex and Love. I couldn't allow the opportunity to discuss the commercialization of anything pass me by.

Upon reading the young man's remark, I thought of the medieval image of an angel perched on one shoulder and a devil on the other. This parallel to the human condition is in numerous writings. It was even utilized for commercials at one time.

Put simply, each of us has the capacity for good or evil. Whichever we nurture dominates and becomes habit. Unfortunately, though, an overwhelming amount of corrupt and improper behavior lights up movie and television screens and fills the pages of books, magazines, and newspapers. And it saddens me to say that even radio jumped on the propaganda bandwagon decades ago.

So when we mimic the latest sitcom scenario in real life or emulate the newest romance novel, do we really expect life to imitate art? Perhaps as children or young adults, we did. Common sense, however, should kick in as we begin our walk through the mirrored hall called adulthood.

Believe me; I've seen quite a few ugly images staring back at me from those funhouse mirrors. And they frightened me to the brink of insanity on a few occasions. Admittedly, my life was one hard lesson after another. This did not in the least deter me from becoming the person I wanted to be or living on my own terms. There are numerous reasons for my being who I am and where I am today: Living a simple existence; with someone I admire, respect, and love; and more content than I ever dreamed possible.

Most importantly, I didn't succumb to peer pressure or propaganda. I had a solid foundation to work with and an inexhaustible supply of support. Moreover; although I haven't always thought so, I know that I've been blessed beyond measure.

Follow me, then, down this hall of ugly mirrors that we must all travel. Allow me to light some of the way with brutal honesty and hard-earned morality. Understand that I am no saint. It took me a long time to find my way out. Hopefully, though, my insight will ease the reflections of inability and failure.

 

Email Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

Water main break on Mansell Road in Alpharetta, GA

Mansell Road just east of North Point Parkway closed today in Alpharetta, GA. Crews from the water company worked through the night repairing a broken 36" water main. By this morning, the work had not yet been completed.

Due to the repairs, the water company periodically closed lanes on westbound Mansell Road throughout the day, Oct. 19. Additionally, some residents and businesses between GA400 and Haynes Bridge Road and along the entire Old Alabama Road Connector were without water.

Water service has been restored. The City of Alpharetta, however, advises those residents and businesses without water today that they may experience discolored water and air in the pipes when turning on faucets and water fixtures for the first time. To remedy this, residents and businesses alike should allow the water to run for a brief period of time.

Finally, today's rain slowed down repairs to the damaged sidewalks and road surfaces caused by the water main break. Be patient. Water crews will be on the job weather permitting.

Please drive safely on your evening and morning commutes.

For additional information, please contact the City of Alpharetta at (678) 297-6014 or www.alpharetta.ga.us

Email Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

*Water main break picture courtesy of Google images

When is it Love ~ Part Three

Is it any wonder that men and women alike ask the question "When is it Love?" Today, couples separate at an alarming rate -- married or not.

A little over a century ago -- which isn't very long in my opinion; my Indian ancestors have been on this continent for approximately 20,000 years -- a man not only had to win the affections of a woman, but her family's, as well. There was a designated courting period, and most would not endure this tedious process without committing heart and soul and everything in between. What we call "being in love" today was so much more then.

In those days, the majority of the population frowned upon separation; whether it took place during a courtship or later, it was socially unacceptable. In this day and age, the person that we "love" (deliberately placed in quotes) changes as frequently as we buy new furniture. The age-old adage "Out with the old and in with the new" has permeated everything we think, do, and say. That's not to say that there weren't ne'er do wells in those days. There were. But they were scorned, noted as such, and run out of town on a rail.

Back then, a handshake was an irrevocable contract; one's word was his or her bond. Additionally, one's family name and reputation were of the utmost importance: Comprising either blackballed the transgressor personally and professionally. We learned values, principles, and morals, and upheld them to the nth degree. Unions between a men and women were part of this vast and intricate equation.

Unfortunately, today, we learn most lessons from television, radio, our parents and peers. Due to a number of causes, none of these have the answers we seek. One, husbands and wives must both work in order to make a decent living. The time allotted for the coaching and counseling with respect to the lessons of the past is minimal at best. Secondly, fewer than two dozen people own all the media in the United States. Additionally, if one counts their relatives and friends, the numbers remain constant. What better way to present one's personal views as the norm, or even dictate social mores than owning all forms of media? There are more but for the sake of brevity, I'll stop here.

Ergo, the aforementioned do not possess the formula for the proverbial side-by-side rockers on the front porch watching Life's sunset. A stark reality, I know. But, let's face it, we live in a me-oriented society. Without proper guidance, the path of least resistance is the one we'll take every time.

Consequently, let me answer the question posed in When is it Love ~ Part One and When is it Love ~ Part Two: "When will [you] know that it's really love?"

I believe that true love exists. I believe it exists somewhere in between fortitude and commitment; good morals and great standards; and, for good measure, one should mix in a "dash" of compassion, patience, and sincerity. From numerous surveys, I also know that different levels of love exist even in amorous relationships. Each one is a step forward to the next. But if the connection is completely severed at any step, we must go back and start anew.

Understand, by starting over, we trade one set of problems for another. No two people are alike, but we all come with some baggage. A brand new set may seem better, but all get worn and tarnished over time.

C. S. Lewis stated that "[People think] in terms of good and bad, not good, better, and best, or bad, worse and worst." And I must agree. As we stand on the threshold of good and bad in a relationship; we rarely see the better and best on our current course, and the worse or worst that lies in the other.

Last, but certainly not least, love is earned. It is not free for the taking, or giving. It is hard work, disciplined behavior, respect, and constant awareness. It takes time and energy.

I have often heard Andrew Carnegie's quote spoken: "Anything in life worth having is worth working for." But never has it rung so true as when it pertains to love -- the "until death do us part" kind.

So, when is it love?

It is felt long after that first kiss. We find it miles away from the first shared apartment or home. There's no mistaking it, however. It surpasses any and all loves before it. It shines brightest in the faces of those who have it and speak of it often.

It is a wonder to behold and unmistakably extraordinary.

And I'm certain that when we find it, it will not be necessary to pose the question.

 

Email Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

 

In searching for additonal true love stories, I came across a syndicated article in The Chicago Tribune. It's definitely worth a read or even two.

When is it Love ~ Part Two

Let's go back to the original question "When will I know that it's really love?" mentioned in Part One.

This question, oddly enough, brings another to mind: How does one define "love?" Does he or she mean "being in love": The sparks and fireworks that go off in the beginning of any relationship? Or, by chance, does he or she mean the more reserved, calmer sense of the word that many have found after the fire settles to ashes.

Some may be taken aback by my last statement. Ashes? Shouldn't the explosions of passion and flashes of romance remain in a relationship forever? Many couples, married 40 plus years, told me that in order for "love" -- real love -- to develop, the "being in love" stage must dissipate. And they're not alone in this belief.

As an example: it's rather exciting when we learn how to drive, in our teens. One might say it's even exhilarating. After years of getting behind the wheel, it no longer has that same "feel/appeal" to it. Does this mean we stop driving? No. Does this mean we get better at maneuvering through treacherous traffic? Hopefully; but not always. Wouldn't it be rather exhausting if each time, for the rest of our lives, we felt the same way when putting our keys in the ignition? Not to mention that as a teen, I made a million and one mistakes due to these so-called thrills. At any rate, one thing's certain, our enthusiasm for the act did die -- it's gone. Moreover, it doesn't return.

C.S. Lewis -- yes, the same C.S. Lewis who wrote The Chronicles of Narnia, The Space Trilogy, and The Screwtape Letters -- was, among a list of other things, a Christian apologist and opined that "Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love' usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married', then it says what probably never was or ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?"

Now, let us return to Sternberg's "Love Triangle Made for Two" mentioned in Part One. The first year "shows a high degree of passion." By the fifth year, "intimacy has become the dominant theme." He ends with the tenth year of relationships where "commitment is the strongest bond." My argument is that if this research holds true, as time marches on and we strive to improve our amorous unions, commitment should eventually take over. At some point the triangle ceases to exist: Passion and intimacy are redirected. In its place another more wondrous formation develops -- the truest of all loves. It is uniquely shaped; one that very few witness today. This is when, to my mind, the previous love dies and a new -- more genuine -- love is born. The individuals who made the journey together thus far receive immeasurable tolerance from one another: Defined as "a great capacity for or practice of allowing or respecting the nature, beliefs, or behavior of others" by The American Heritage Dictionary © 1969.

With this love a couple experiences vast contentment, trustworthiness and promise. "It is not merely a feeling," as Lewis puts it. "It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allow themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. Being in love first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

Isn't this love -- "this quieter love" -- the one we all strive for? If not, shouldn't it be? I believe so, and I work very hard at achieving this goal.

Most importantly, however, Lewis adds "let the thrill [being in love] go -- let it die away -- go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow -- and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time." He goes on to insightfully warn us that if we "decide to make [the being in love] thrills a regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and [we] will be bored disillusioned old men [and women] for the rest of our lives."

Personally, I chalk up falsely extending the "being in love" state to simple human nature. Most of us put less and less energy into something that keeps us in such an elevated state for extended periods of time. Ah, but this is a topic for another day.

So then, after reading this piece, shouldn't we first ask ourselves, and our partners, "How do I/you define love?" before we can answer "How will I know when it's really love?"

Just a thought.

E-mail Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

For more on "being in love" read this aritcle "Love? Or Being in Love?" There are some great points made.

When is it Love ~ Part One

"Tell me the truth," I heard an acquaintance say.

Experience, however, taught me that rarely does anyone want the truth. Instead, they search for someone who will substantiate their truths; their beliefs, and that rarely happens when I'm on the answering end these days.

I've become rather blunt in my old age. More often than not, through the years, when people weren't sincere with respect to the advice given me; the outcome of my relationship quandary was rather dismal at best. Therefore, I don't sugar coat anything. As a result, I often find myself in front of seething individuals who didn't like what they heard -- what I said. "So much for being frank," one might say. On the contrary, I'm rather pleased with the person I see in the mirror today.

With that in mind, my response to the question asked "When will I know that it's really love?" will involve several installments. The first of which is the following…

Before I give my answer, a wonderful piece of literature entitled "Positive Living and Health," by Mark Bricklin, Mark Golin, Deborah Grandinetti, and Alexis Lieberman, merits a mention. It is a veritable treasure trove of ideas on how to empower one's constructive and encouraging thoughts and actions. Its pages are a cornucopia of information regarding the philosophy on positive living. A Love Triangle Made for Two, one of its chapters, includes a theory developed by Dr. Robert J. Sternberg. His "claim to fame" is being the professor of psychology and education at Yale University. Within this chapter, he "not only offers a way to constructively examine relationships," as the book notes, "[he] actually gives love a shape."

Dr. Sternberg suggests that you "picture love as a triangle" with three sides: Intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy represents "support, communication, warmth, and sharing." Passion is "a motivational force that leads to arousal, physical excitement, and the desire to be united with the loved one." Commitment is "where a decision to love another person and maintain that love is made."

These three sides vary in length (dominance) as a relationship progresses. This means that one may outweigh the rest, or may diminish over time. Though the shape of everyone's triangle may differ, one thing is rather clear: In the beginning stages of this emotional bond we call love; passion seems to rule the roost. And it crows the loudest for quite some time.

How long this stage lasts is different from relationship to relationship. Soon, if we're lucky, the triangle begins to even out and all three sides represent a perfect harmony of sorts. But as we all know, relationships are far from perfect. Therefore, plan on it being isosceles or obtuse in shape.

Due in part to Dr. Sternberg's research, I reached a few conclusions of my own. One of them is that love, real love, unequivocally waits for the commitment side of our triangles to strengthen (increase in size). Without the decision to love our partners no matter who they are and what they do, and maintain this love (work at it) for years to come, how can any of us use the word "love" to describe how we feel? Before we make the conscious decision to stick with it under any circumstances, isn't what we feel simply lust, covetousness, or infatuation?

Love and commitment go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. You cannot have one without the other.

Shall we draw our triangles then? Don't be surprised if two people who claim to be in love have varying triangles. It happens way too often. The real truth begins, in my humble opinion, when we communicate these variances to one another.

Then, dear reader, you "tell me the truth."

NOTE: Respond in the comment section below this article or e-mail Maggie at maggietwest@aim.com

For more on Dr. Sternberg's theory visit Kristine Keller, M.A. who writes for Psychology Today. Her article entitled "Crazy in Love: When is it More Than Heartache?" is a must read.