I Can’t Win!

Women are curious creatures.

Not curious in that we eagerly seek out knowledge or information—though we can be and are under most non-relationship circumstances—but in the Alice in Wonderland sense of the word: "Curiouser and curiouser..." When we argue or carry-on certain conversations with our significant others, however, we lose all reason and common sense.

Myself included (though not as much today as in my youth).

Why does this happen? Is it a genetic defect? Did our mothers somehow nurture it into our makeup?

I consider myself a person who solves most situations with a measure of intelligence and a mound of common sense. (More of the latter of course, but I've been blessed with ample amounts of both.) And I've made the acquaintance of many women who do the same. But in our intimate relationships, we drop "bombs," often losing all rational thought as we explode with emotion. Plainly put, we throw the baby out with the bath water. And, perhaps, most women regret these blasts later as I do.

Nevertheless, when "TC" began with "I can't win," I intuitively knew the source of his frustration—a woman.

I'd heard the same words spoken by numerous men in the past. And after the telling of each, the men referred to the women in their lives. With contorted features and clenched teeth, they explained their annoyances and/or previous grievances. It was not uncommon to hear these men sob, rave, or maniacally laugh; or see them tug their hair, stomp the floor, or slam their fists into the nearest target.

But that's not all…

At some point in each conversation, they generally turned to everything women did—since grade school—that drove them ape-shit. And being a woman, I scanned the check list of my own actions in my head as they spoke: Yep, I've done that. Uh-oh! That one, too. Hmmm…there's another. Damn! I do the same shit.

Afterwards, I'm shot the bulging-eyed "why?" expressions as these men rattle off a thousand questions. Okay, maybe not a thousand—but close to it.

"Why does she irritate me so?"
"Why can't she just stop?"
"Why does she always bring ____ into it?"

Why this…why that…why…why…why

And TC was no different.

After explaining that he frequently leaves the house in order to end arguments with his wife, he asked me "Why does my wife become just as angry when I agree with her as when I disagree?"

"I can't win Maggie."

First, most men resort to "fight or flight" when confronted. Their hemispheric orientation, dominant representational systems, and endocrine systems are very different from ours.

Second, when men walk away it means they're disengaging. Their left-brains have temporarily overridden their "lizard brains." It means they're physically and emotionally ready to "lay it all on the line"—but they've seen "the big picture." They decide to disengage rather than cave in to biology and employ that ever-present mega-dose of adrenaline and testosterone.

I should note that women must refrain from following their men as they uncouple: Especially if our intent is continuing the argument. This harms more than it heals.

On the other hand, women want men to pursue them once they leave the room during disputes. This action—to their minds—shows affection, caring, and compassion. They feel wanted and needed—important.

It boggles the mind. Doesn't it?

Naturally, hearing these things relieved TC (Something with which to confront the wife at a later time—no doubt).

Then, in his wife's defense, I began relaying reasons this could occur: If women become accustomed to a routine of clashing with their mates and suddenly hear "yes, dear," it sounds sarcastic. And if men employ the phrase after each sentence, then it surely is mockery. These two little words, however, used properly, do wonders for settling the many disputes of couples married for forty-plus years.

So, when's the appropriate time to use the "yes dear" response?

I don't know. I'm a woman.

And women move in seemingly unpredictable patterns. One minute everything is right with the world, and the next, it's gone mad. Is there such a thing as reasoning during moments such as these? Not in my mind—but again, I'm a woman.

Perhaps with many years under their belts, certain couples recognize these quarrels as minor. Perhaps the men and women in successful relationships realize which issues are important and which are not. As I've said one or two times before; knowing when to let go and when to stand and fight is vital for long-term "bliss."

So, who gives in first?

Does it matter? Ultimately, will giving in mar or damage us in any way? If both parties aren't in it for the "long haul," it might. Otherwise, it doesn't.

When, then, should we stop trying; when do we give up?

We shouldn't, in my book…

Most women react in the same manner under similar circumstances. Why begin this crazed cycle anew? Why put ourselves through other relationships with the misguided notion that "things will be different the next time?" The odds are; they won't.

I spent many years in the school of I'm-right-you're-wrong. And graduating from this rut seemed impossible until I realized that the problem was me.

Today, my humor and past experiences keep me sane (if you want to call it that) in this insane world. I am content with my life—with my love.

I know I'm crazy. I admit it. Adjectives applied to my behavior range from "peculiar" to "psychotic." And that's not news to me. I'm never shocked to hear this validated. I simply agree.

I'm certain I irritate Bean more often than not. He most assuredly thinks that I traveled here from some distant planet (and in all fairness, others have said the same of him…) And I'm just as certain that he blows off most of the steam created by my way of thinking when I'm not around. Otherwise, I'd see more meltdowns.

What a great partner, huh?

When he says "yes dear," it's a big accomplishment for him; whether or not he says it sarcastically (I add this only because tact isn't his strong suit). Regardless of his intent, I accept it as an affectionate term. Of course, my imagination is in overdrive most of the time—it helps.

When he walks away from an argument, I know he'll be back to take up his sword and duel with me again. I look forward to it, actually—another demented response, I'm sure.

But I know Bean loves me. And I make sure he knows I love him—no matter what circumstances befall us.

That's enough for me.

That's enough for him.

Is it enough for you?

Perhaps if more women recognized their imbalanced, subjective attached nature—and men their imbalanced, objective, detached nature—relationships would last longer. If nothing else, the number of arguments would surely decrease. Right?

Hell, I don't think women understand men any more than men understand women.

But, yet again, I'm a woman.

So ladies, repeat after me: "I'm crazy, and I admit it."

Comments

[Paul Reed]

Amen sister, Amen.

[Maggie West]

Awww, you liked it.

This makes me happy.

Take care of your loved ones, sir. We're always thinking about you.