I can count on my one hand the number of great friendships I have. Conversely, the bad friendships I've had in the past are innumerable.
There are many big, bad wolves with ulterior motives in this big, bad world, and they rarely have one's best interests at heart. While searching for the needle in the haystack—real friendships—we are wounded by the many pricks (No pun intended) hidden in the heap. The likelihood that everyone we meet will become a lifelong friend is slim to none.
For this reason, when I receive e-mails that pertain to the camaraderie—the closeness—between two people who are not sexually involved, I'm cautious when answering. I prefer discussing these matters in person, and that is rarely possible. Especially when the internet and e-mail are our communication tools—shit! It's frustrating. There are many inquiries to make; many of the social interactions, between the two people in question, or the lack thereof, to discuss. Nevertheless, from time to time, I proceed without them.
As I do today…
"Paula" and "Paul" have been friends for almost three years. In her e-mail, Paula wrote: We were together every day; either before work or after; even during work hours, we texted each other regularly.
Neither Paula nor Paul was enamored of anyone at the time—let alone each other. Perhaps this is why they became close—very close. Unfortunately, such closeness alters many friendships. And Paula's situation is a perfect example.
Her feelings began to shift gears roughly one year ago. And her attempts to steer her heart away from these new emotions were useless. She also feared that declaring her love for Paul would surely end their friendship. And so, she remained silent.
Until six months ago…
During movie-night at Paul's apartment, after consuming too much alcohol, they made love. And afterward, she confessed her feelings for him and her torment in concealing them for twelve months.
Since then, their friendship has changed. But it's not the change for which Paula yearned. He now rarely calls. She rarely sees him. And she's filled with regret.
Therefore, she asks for a way in which to regain the friendship she once had. "I want to take back what I said" is one of the lines in her e-mail that leapt from the page.
And of this I must say: My dear Paula; what was said was said. You cannot go back—no one can. You can only go forward. Perhaps, this is not exactly what you wanted to hear. And telling you that you are not alone may not relieve the pain in your heart either. But it's true.
We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, there are times when we don't see them as blunders until we take the proverbial move in one direction or the other. And then, it's too late.
Friendship volleying (A term I use to describe such situations), however, can land on either side of the net. Many great loves began as friendships. But know that these attempts to win the game result in heartache as well.
Once we make a poor choice, we must move forward. Other alternatives present themselves and how to proceed is an individual decision. Suspending or minimizing any interaction for a spell in the hopes of remedying the situation, ending the friendship, or piecing it back together are all options.
Paula chose the latter.
And it will take time, much effort, and a good deal of patience. Even then, there's no guarantee the outcome will be a positive one. Therefore, before proceeding, Paula must accept the possibility of rejection.
Even if she isn't rejected, the friendship will not return to its original condition. But, a new friendship may develop that parallels the first and in some cases the second exceeds the previous one's strength: A stronger, more solid, friendship is established.
Don't lose hope…
But there is work to do.
First, admit your mistake. Do not excuse your behavior away by saying, "I was drunk." You were aware of your feelings; you put yourself and him in an awkward position—so come clean.
Do this regardless of who is initiating contact. Your e-mail states that you rarely see him; he hardly ever calls. Whether you approached him or he approached you; whether you called him first or he called you, makes no difference. Begin by making a clean break of things: Take responsibility.
Once you do, explain the value of his friendship and your willingness to make amends. Tell Paul that losing his friendship cut you deeply. Then, ask him how to proceed.
His suggestions will be ones with which he feels comfortable. And of all the successful attempts of which I've heard this is the best pattern to follow. Remember, it will take time.
As I said in the beginning of this piece, however, great friendships—lifelong friends—are hard to find. But, they are well worth the effort.
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