Compatible: "Capable of living and performing harmonious, agreeable, or congenial combination with another or others."
Capable: "Having capacity or ability."
Capacity: "The ability to receive, hold, or absorb."
~The American Heritage Dictionary. New College Edition (1969-1976 copyrights)
These definitions are mainly listed for reference. But they can, and should, remind us of what compatibility truly means.
Notice the absence of external variants in the above descriptions. Whether his hair is blonde and hers is red makes no difference; whether he's rich or she's poor – nope, not there; whether he's fat and she's thin aren't mentioned either; nor is the fact that he's sixty years old and she's twenty – or visa versa.
It is my belief that the compatibility features we must seek when entering into a relationship should be internal. And, of course, this takes more than a few dates, a couple of dinners, and one night together to examine.
Years ago – and I mean many years ago – it was easier to recognize if two people were compatible: Most young adults were reared in households that taught certain moral standards and values. We must not assume the same is true with respect to today's domestic teachings. Our current generations are "pot luck" at best.
So, how do we discern what internal attributes someone has?
Communication…communication…communication is the key. I can't say this enough.
We need to communicate as much as possible. Talk, listen, dig deep, and attempt to determine what our soon-to-be partners are made of. This is no simple task. Men and women do not "speak" the same language. Naturally, it's rather difficult to communicate with one another under these circumstances. We already know that in most cases when she sees red, he sees blue; when she's right, he's wrong; and when he finds humor, she finds distaste. There's rarely a "gray" moment in our relationships: The confrontations and/or perceptions between males and females are usually black and white.
But if we go back to the aforementioned definitions, we see that the main criterion for compatibility is ability: The ability to receive; the ability to be harmonious; and the ability to be congenial.
What triggers our "ability" switch, then? Is it that our mates' mothers can't stand to be in the same room with us, or that our mates' hearts are true? Is it that our mates are rich, or that not one selfish bone exists in their bodies? Is it that our mates' career choices will have us eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for all eternity, or that they have the fortitude to stand up for their principles with conviction? Each one of us should know what pulls our "A" lever. It is our hearts and our souls that measure our capacity to be compatible. And since each of us is made differently (i.e. upbringing, culture, environment, ethnically, etc.), we must search ourselves for answers before we begin to ask the "'til death do us part" questions.
For starters, we need to stop pretending we're Cinderellas looking for Prince Charmings. What good is it gazing into the night sky for our Knights in shining armor to arrive? Our lives will neither mirror nor emulate fairy tales. If our internal make-ups do not correspond with one another's, we will surely find ourselves on the perfidious path to the witch's gingerbread house (divorce), and all the "sweets" in the world won't cover-up our dying relationships.
Let us ask ourselves: Are we capable of receiving, holding, and absorbing all that our proposed mates have to offer; or are we lying to ourselves in order to alleviate some personal desperation or in the hopes of modifying an unpleasant characteristic of our own?
Hopefully, the former is true. The latter is futile. It always has been. We rarely understand this, however, until it's too late.
Our mates cannot change our inner most beliefs, desires, and/or ideals, and neither can we theirs. Therefore, our "happily ever afters" are found in matching these inner traits as closely as possible.
Some, but definitely not all, examples are religious beliefs, measures of common decency, level of loyalty, moral values, and prejudices that may or may not exist.
If we do not have the capacity for compassion, courtesy, devotion, ethics, and truth; how can we notice or even measure it in another?
All of the above require quite a bit of soul searching on our parts and an ingenuous internal scale for weighing our individual priorities.
Then, and only then, are we able to seek out our "match" – the compatibility factor.
Why worry about such trivial matters as height, weight, employment, financial situations, daily routines, and the like? These are things that can, and do, change. A person's inner being – his/her hidden features – holds the key to a lasting relationship.
As I have said many times in the past: "Love is deaf, dumb, and blind" in the beginning stages of any relationship (sometimes much longer). So, it's time for us to get hearing aids, do the research, and purchase a new set of glasses.
Inner compatibility works – grandiose visions (in any form) do not.
*Note: Posted on Helium.com as well.
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